Starving for Perfection

(same friend from last post)

but he’s always asking me questions.  Especially about life, and the future and stuff like that.  I hate that.  I dont want to think about that stuff.  I’m a pretty here-and-now kinda person.  Dont get me wrong, im not stupid, i do have plans, but they’re really flexible and i have multiple ones in case one doesnt work out.  

he’s always making me repeat myself.  like, when he asks questions, he always asks me the same thing all the time.  it pisses me off because 1) i hate repeating myself.  and 2) it shows me you dont pay attention enough to remember what i said the first time, therefore, making me think you dont really care as much.  i dont expect anyone to have the memory of an elephant, but jeez, its like he doesnt listen to anything i say.

he’s always trying to tell me what i should do.  like where i should go, where i should work, different things i should try.  it may not seem like a big deal, but for some reason this really pisses me off.  

he acts as if he knows me so well. i absolutely hate it when people do that. especially if they dont know the first thing about me.

he’s extremely stereotypical.  he’s going into his second year of college and he’s still using labels…grow up, you’re not in high school anymore! however it doesnt help that most of his friends are still in high school..thats also something else that bothers me…i think he’s racist too…he’s always pointing out that im his only black friend, and he’s always saying stuff like “hello, my black beautiful friend” or something like that….ok, maybe racist isnt the right word, but he really only surrounds himself with other white people…i mean, he has absolutely no diversity in his circle of friends and it just pisses me off anytime he makes some stupid comment about me being black.  like, it takes a lot to offend me in the race/ethnicity department and racist jokes and stereotypes honestly dont bother me at all (cause most of them are usually funny and true) but something about his comments just really bother me…im like, dude, just leave it alone, so what if im black? so what if im the first black chick you kissed. so the fuck what? you know what it is? i think i just figured it out, he’s just ignorant. yea, thats the word…(he’s originally from canada and pretty much grew up in GA so what can i expect though)

he is too damn optimistic…like, bullshit optimistic.  anytime i talk to him about my problems he has some unrealistic way of looking at it, or how the problem can be solved or whatever….which also makes him seem like an insensitive douche….and me being a realist, its really bothersome. its, like, dude, wake up and face reality, not everything has a happy ending or a quick fix…not everything is fixable. 

he’s a huge horny flirt.  bothers the shit out of me.  i dont care if i want to be with you or not, but dont play with me. i hate that shit.  pick a girl, stick with that one.  but flirting with every fucking girl you meet is not cool, especially since you dont hide it..i think that was bothers me the most about it. he’s so open about it.  dude, you say you like me and want to go out with me? than prove it.  and since ive already turned you down quite a few times, just leave me alone about it.  stop trying to make me fall for you, and stop trying to get in my pants.  neither is ever going to happen, so please, just stop. 

just…he’s just really ignorant, immature, insensitive and doesnt pay attention….and i also get this feeling that he looks down on me…as if he believes he’s above me or smarter than me…i have no proof of this but its just a feeling…..and my feelings, unfortunately more than fortunately, tend to be right…

tonight me and my friend went hung out for a while…it was dark and we were in a secluded area…to make a long story short, he started kissing me…i just let him…it ended up getting to the point where his hands here down my pants and he kept putting my hand on his dick….i didnt like any of it…i didnt like being touched be him..it didnt even turn me on in the slightest…but i couldnt tell him no or to stop…i gave him hints that i didnt want to be touched, but maybe they were too subtle…i hated it…it brought back way too many memories and flash back to last year when i was raped…but i was just frozen..i couldnt do anything…i didnt know what to do…

eventually he stopped because i had to get home, but….i cant get it out of my mind…

his tongue exploring my mouth…his hands touching all over my body in places where i dont even touch myself…his breath on my skin…

it was all too familiar…it was too much like what that guy did to me last year…i hated it…i dont want to be touched…or kissed or anything physical…i cant stop crying right now…im so tempted to go to the blade and make it all stop…i cant stop shaking and trembling…it hurts…i can feel that man’s dick inside my unsuspecting, un welcoming pussy..i can feel his knife’s sharp edge digging into my throat..i can smell the earthy, musty nature trail where it happened…

oh god, im reliving it over and over…

just because my friend when too far and touched me to long and hard….

will i be like this forever? will i ever be able to have a sexual partner ever again and be able to enjoy it?

sex has never been anything more than pain and torture for me…and i hate it…i hate touch…

any kind of touch, even when my friend just brushed his hand against my cheek i felt a panic attack coming on…

oh god…

i cant live like this….i need help…someone please help me…make the pain stop…PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP, JUST STOP!!!!! 

I graduate in 25 minutes.
Woot.

so gonna try it. 

its worked for me before

and its healthy…

just gotta force myself to not starve…

i hate how people who dont know a thing about me act as if they know everything about me…i also feel like im leading on those that i actually love and faking them out…so here’s just a list of things that i think people need to know…a lot of things you may not want to know, but will help you get a better feel about me.  of course this isnt everything, as it would be un wise to throw all my weaknesses out there but this will give you an idea on what kind of person i am. 

anyways…

1) i used to cut myself…though if you arent blind, you might have already noticed that..it was not a cry for attention or a suicide attempt.  just a way i coped with things…i have scars everywhere, not just my arms so if we go to the pool or beach together, dont bring it up please. 

2) i have, in fact, attempted suicide a few times throughout the past couple years.

3) i was raped at knife point last year by an old, fat, black man that threatened to kill me if i ever told anyone. 

4) im clinically depressed, paranoid, and extremely anxious (mostly in social settings causing me to be really shy and awkward)

5) sex with me…yea, dont get your hopes up: never had a pleasant experience with it, dont really wanna try again.  i also dont want to lose any respect or be looked down upon as if i were a slut or whore or whatever.  I believe sex is shared between two people that truely know and love one another.  yes, i am human, i get horny just like anybody else, but my morals are way stronger than any physical desire. 

5) im hopelessly romantic.

6) even though most people view me as a tomboy or “one of the guys” im starting to bring the girly girl out.

7) ive actually considered dating each and every one of my stalkers/creepers just because i thought (and unfortunately still think) that i cant get any better. 

8) i can be a stalker myself actually…i love to study people and try to figure them out. 

9) for those who think im nice? yea just wait till you really get to know me…haha. ima cold hearted, bitter bitch.

10) im actually really sensitive and emotional…the tiniest things will upset me and throw me into a pit of depression for a while. 

Anonymous asked: Could you post a picture of your scars?

not sure why you want to see them…but sure

I haven’t cut myself on my wrist for at least a year…but the strong desire to do so is still as strong as ever. It’s funny though because normally I would just do it especially since I have gathered quite a few bracelets and wrist bands to successfully be able to hide any fresh wounds….But I’ve grown up..I’m 19 years old, out of high school and currently looking for a steady full time job to hold for a year before I go into the police academy. But my scars hinder me so much…it’s summer and going to job interviews in long sleeves is weird…and excessive jewelry is unprofessional. So I usually have my scars completely exposed… Employers don’t like them…I’ve actually been rejected because of my scars…And other employers have stated that these scars would fall under the category of “tattoos” because of how profound they are and how many I have….Mind you, the most recent scars on my arms/wrist are a year old (from my suicide attempt last may) so they aren’t gaping open or anything and there’s really not much I can do about them…They just refuse to fade…i wish I would have thought of the future 7 years ago…i probably still would have cut but I would have only done it on my legs and hips like I do now from the beginning…these scars are really hindering me in my career path(don’t even get me started on the toll its taking on my already miniscule social life) and I just wish I had clear skin again…